Really tired and sigh, a week more to the new school term and that means project deadlines, the return of exam papers and all the other terrible stuff that I would prefer to not do. 

WHY IS MY HOLIDAY ENDING SO SOON !? 

Been watching NazoDi and loving it. 

Sho as Kageyama was totally XD ! Totally love it when he owns Keiko, his ojousama XD ! 
Epi 10 is the last episode already ! Cant wait till it gets subbed :B ! 

But  school is reopening soon T^T ! Not yet done with my reports. THREE of them. 
T^T ! SHO-KUN, GIVE ME YOUR POWER TO DO MY REPORTS.

School just reopened and the modules are getting tougher. Lots of project work and alot of rubbish that I dont feel like doing T_T ! Volunteered for some stuff but I dont remember the training dates x_X ! Alot of things to remember but didnt. 

Ahhh. I just wish to graduate quickly. D:

We all have that someone that we hoped that they stayed. 

Yes, I just ended my relationship just last week. Its already been a week. or maybe 2. I cant really remember. It is the holidays now so Im basically just, sleeping and waking, sleeping and waking. I dont even keep track of dates. Its not easy to let someone slip through your fingers like that. I just, wished that you stayed in my life. Instead of just walking away like that. But, I understand. Even if I forced you to stay, you would eventually leave anyway. There is no way you would stay. In fact, the fact that you stayed on for so long is already a miracle in itself. I never understood why you chose me anyway.

Not the prettiest, not the smartest, not the cutest. Just your plain, average girl with a fiery temper. Just that after I met you, I became more quiet, more subdued. I know, not the best person ever. But you still chose me. Just that in the end, we still lost to time and distance. I kept our message logs. But I refuse to read them. However, their contents still flow back to me from time to time.

I know them by heart. How cruel. 

I refuse to let myself wallow in self-pity. I refuse to let you control my heart any longer. I just need the time.

Until then, I will miss you from the bottom of my heart.

LIfe's great I guess. 

Had a class outing that was quite the fun thing actually. Nice classmates ~ Our Personal tutor came down with us for lunch too. Did a lot of stupid stuff that made me laugh but I am as gloomy as usual. I swear that its the holidays making me so... lethargic and so irritatable. I have a feeling that my relationship is going to end. To say that Im not bothered is a lie. Im infact very bothered. 

However, as bothered as I am, I know I can't change a thing and ... as you guessed it, I wont change a thing. If its meant to be, its meant to be. I can't believe Im just going to bow down to fate and just let fate do its thing. I would have, I should have fought against fate. But you know? I am tired. Tired of putting in effort but obviously he doesn't care. I wonder if its because he is so sure that I would never leave. Maybe I guess. Because its true .

However, this time, I may be the one putting an end to this because obviously his heart is not into our relationship. Why am I trying so hard? Why do I even bother then ? 

Selfish thoughts. 

But maybe being single isn't so bad afterall. One thing for sure if my relationship ended is that, I did all I could to salvage it but you didn't give a damn about me. And another thing is that, I know that after this ended, I will not be accepting anyone for quite a while. In fact, I don't even want to look for love. Im happy as I am I guess.

To end a relationship requires great strength from within. We all know how hard it is to change our habits, remove someone from our lives completely as if they never existed and how difficult it is to say goodbye to someone who used to mean the entire world to you. And yes, you still mean the entire world to me. But Im going to be selfish for myself this time. 

If you dont give a damn, I dont give a damn either no matter how much feelings I have left for you.

Because I am strong, I can get through this.

I should really stop sleeping at ungodly hours like now. Its 3am now and I have to wake up at 10am tomorrow. Gosh.

Staying up late is bad for my sanity because its at this kind of hours where the whole house is so quiet, with only the sound of my fingers tapping on the keyboard, that I would ponder hard. Today, the question that troubles me is ... why are you so scared? What are you scared of ? Scared of being alone, scared of changes, scared of wandering away.. There are so many things that scares me but ... do I really need to be fearful of them ?

I ponder. 

Sometimes, I think that Im a  master of pretense. 

Like how obviously my life is a wreck but people around me seems to believe that my life is perfect. Sometimes, the way they say it makes me so guilty. Like how my poly friend was like saying "I envy you. You have a wonderful family, your studies are good, you have loving friends and a wonderful boyfriend" 

But they forgot, I omit things from my life. Wonderful family didn't include my father if they realised. I only spoke of my sisters, my aunts, my uncles and my mother. Did they not realise ? I wonder . Sometimes its hard to forgive the person who used to be so close and he who chose to hurt you so badly . I wonder when will I let go of this ? Seems like everyone around me has forgiven and forgotten about all his misgivings but at least not me. I dont know who to turn to. I dont know what to speak of . To me, his existense is not neccessary. How sad is that I wonder ? How sad is it ? 

Then they say my studies are good. They say Im smart. But thats not true. I put in hard work, I put in my blood and sweat. They just see how good it is. But sometimes, I want to give it all up. I feel like Im just chasing a piece of paper. It doesn't really make me happy. I want to study, I want to learn but being in this position, kills all of that that lies in me. Now they say I have loving friends. Thats true. But then again, even though they are my loving friends, I haven't really established a bond inside. 

I feel detached. I wonder if anyone knows how I feel. Then loving boyfriend. A thing of the past. We don't even talk much now. How loving I wonder. However, he used to be a loving boyfriend though. Sigh. How time can change everything. 

How sad.

Just a thought. 

Will money really make people happy ? if you had 2 routes in life, one where it pays just enough but you love the job or one that pays alot more and you are just in it for better prospect. Which would you choose ?

Will you give up the job that you love for money ? If you do, what if your work made you miserable ? Will the monthly paycheck thats so much more make you happy ? Will it mean a thing ? Will it ? 

At this point in time, Im 16 going on 17 in a few weeks. I have no idea what I want to do in life at the moment because Im so easy going I will probably get up anything just like how I gave in and gave up something that I wanted to do, for once. It bothered me for a few months and is still bothering me. At times, it lie silently at the back of my mind until late at night when its so quiet, the thought came back to me. Did I regret? Will I really be happy doing what Im doing now ?

Will I? 

I gave up because there isn't much prospect and its too expensive to study it. Oh yes, just to say, I wanted to study Perfumery and Cosmetic science but am currently studying Nutrition, health and wellness. I gave up something I wanted for myself to do something that my mum wanted me to do. Not going to blame my mum if Im unhappy in future because I am the one who gave in, gave up and lost it. I lost my chance to be happy. 

But who is to say that I wont love what Im currently doing now ? I dont have the passion for it but neither do I hate it . I lie in the gray area, neutral as usual. But what if I am unhappy in future ? Will it be worth it ? I wonder. If someone is reading this, I hope you do whatever that makes you happy. It doesnt matter if the job you like pays peanuts but it must keep you alive at least. free from debt and able to enjoy a little bit of life if you save a bit.

If the job you like pays you just enough to have some savings, pay all your bills and allow you to enjoy a little, then its all right. You dont need to have all the money in the world to make yourself happy.

What a bad start to septemeber by drowning my iphone ): 

Tomorrow Im going down to send it for repair, hopefully the damage isnt too big. I trust you phone to recover well. -prays hard- 
Well, examinations are over and I have to say that Chemistry is a pain in the ass. It will probably be the subject to pull my GPA down real badly. It will be so much worse than Gen Ed. Ughh. Not that I didnt study...

Okay fine. I should have studied harder :X ! 

Looks like GPA 4.0 is flying away, so now my aim is to keep my GPA harder than 3.9 until graduation . FIGHTING . 
I hope that this month will be kind to me. Afterall, its my birth month. What else do I expect from it ? 
My relationship isn't really progressing well. I guess its putting a strain on him. Really wondering if its really good for him. 
Time will tell I guess. 

My love life has been a whirlwind recently. 
Like suddenly people are very nice and confess and stuff like that. There is someone who has been there since the very beginning but we just dont have the spark between us. He is a good guy though. Just that, its not meant to be. 

He will probably be the only one to regard me as a goddess. Like seriously? 
There is nothing good about me to deserve that title. Im not the prettiest, not the smartest, not the kindest and definitely not the cutest either.
Im your average girl, who is plain and loves to stay at home. The greatest joy in life to read books and watch videoes. 
I wonder what he sees in me to hold on so tightly even after rejections and after so much time has passed.

This is like the only place I can turn to now.

 Was out today. Went to school to do the project which remain undone ..... then went for a movie. ._.

i should be studying actually but....